Crushes and Escapism

I overcame my crush, now I can love again.

"Life without a crush is fairly dull. Crushes simultaneously paint your reality with the hopeful sheen of naive infatuation and orient you towards a clear objective to be with them, whether it be a crush at work or that cute deskmate in school. These crushes can occasionally go beyond what is reasonable. We nurture them in the frantic rush of airport terminals, by consuming works of art created by people with absurdly greater social rank, and even in the ethereal eroticism of our dreams. Regardless of whether anything will actually happen, the intense infatuation is highlighted by the agonizing absence and reciprocation of unrequited love. We yearn endlessly, even to the point where we suffer from insomnia. Why do we do this to ourselves?

First-Place crushing

I once experienced intense love—some could even say it bordered on infatuation—with someone. We had chemistry and biochemistry; yet, it was unclear what my true desires were. Our clocks coincided. And it is clearly visible to everyone. Was it genuine, friendship, love, and other things? No boundaries were established. My emotions and mind were at odds. My brain yearns for literature, but my body YEARNS for her. We were inexperienced, hormone decapitated teenagers. As you might have guessed, it didn't end well, it took me years to recover from my heart being turned into MUSH.

As philosopher Slavoj Žižek argues, falling in love involves a significant event or "fall" in the first place. Our lives can be dramatically changed through an encounter with someone else, and this can fundamentally alter our perspectives and priorities. Love, according to Žižek, cannot be explained by our previous desires or fantasies, but instead redefines who we are and our potential. Our love interest is not just a person who fits our preconceived notions, but someone who may introduce new desires and aspects of ourselves that we were previously unaware of, unlocking potential and personal growth. Žižek argues that dating apps prioritize a technical approach of algorithmic matchmaking over the possibility of a transformative experience of falling in love. These apps aim to minimise vulnerability and appeal to predetermined preferences, neglecting the spontaneous nature of romance. He also suggests that many people feel ashamed or regretful about how they met their partners through dating apps.

Zižek's critique of dating apps raises the question of how this idea of discovering new potentials through love relates to the idea of a crush. A crush often reflects something valuable or attractive to us and goes beyond physical attraction. It can also fill a lack in our lives, representing adventure, emotional maturity, authenticity, and other elements that we didn't even know we desired. But it's hard to know whether the person we crush on is truly a reflection of our unrealized ideals and values. The crush can be seen as pathological in a phenomenological sense, as it is not a direct experience of reality but an interpretation of it. Falling for someone can be seen as a striking event that breaks into one's world, leading to a radical metamorphosis and a transformation of our experience of the world. This is a normal aspect of life as we all have unexpected events that make us reevaluate ourselves and the world around us.

Second-place crushing

My first crush disaster resulted in terrible events that were managed covertly among friends, rivals, and family members. whoever would accept me. My new crush was there, too. Our friendship had grown, so it was obvious that this wasn't just a pretense of infatuation. Our long-distance conversations and communications had elements of "true love" in them on the surface and in my heart, despite our distance in space. I felt I was prepared for everything life would throw at me, but I wasn't aware that I would soon experience a heartbreak that would come around on me twice. This loss of connection came with a dish of sadness. Before it could dance to the symphony of love, my heart was removed from the pericardium.

It is important to be mentally prepared for the transformative experience of falling in love, as it can be overwhelming and even obsessive. A crush can consume our lives and, at its extremes, can be called Limerence, which is defined as an acute obsessive attachment to one person. Limerence can be accompanied by ruminative thinking, anxiety, and depression and can even lead to stalking and self-harm.

A recent study on Limerence found that those affected often had fantasies related to family themes and rescuing their crush, viewing them as flawless and godlike. The study also highlights that the experience of limerence is not just about the crush, but about the person experiencing limerence and their unmet relational needs, wants, and desires often from childhood that is projected onto the crush. In popular media, crushes are often depicted in a positive light and usually lead to the feelings being reciprocated, but the reality is often more complex, where the person being crushed on can feel uncomfortable and guilty. Being on the receiving end of unrequited love can be difficult for both parties, and it is important to remember that crushes can lead to hurt feelings and sometimes even legal actions. Those who were objects of romantic passion and did not reciprocate the pursuit sometimes suffered more than the pursuer. They may sometimes try to be gentle and sugarcoat their response in order not to hurt the feelings of their pursuer this only encourages further pursuit. If you are being crushed, let your response be clear and firm; save us all the stress.

Individuals need to approach their infatuations with humility and consideration for the feelings of the person they are infatuated with, according to researcher Dr Bellmeister. Many people may see themselves as more desirable than others see them, so it's important to consider that the object of our infatuation may not share the same level of interest. It is important to give them the space to feel safe and not to make them feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed by our feelings. Additionally, it is important to recognize that our infatuation may not be realistic or reciprocated and that it ultimately lies within our control. Through the experience of infatuation, we have the opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery by recognizing the positive emotions that existed before the infatuation and disclosure without expectation of reciprocation. Realising that your crush is not the same as the person you have a crush on will help you move past an unrequited crush. In this sense, one must disengage from the pursuit in light of both its general degree of comfort and the knowledge that, even if you win their affection, they are unlikely to live up to your lofty expectations. It would then appear preferable for the pursuer to mention the ideals of their passion that justified their devotion without downplaying their crush. Was it a stable emotional state? Was it a whim? Playfulness, maybe? A crush may be a symptom of something we value, but feel is absent from our own lives.

Instead of seeing other complex people as a means to fulfil our desires, focusing on self-actualisation and personal growth is more emotionally mature and ethical. Limerence, which is driven by the individual's own psyche, may reflect a need for the person to access repressed, more authentic parts of their personality. Thus, focusing on our own growth will make us more whole individuals and less dependent on the external validation that limerence might provide. Once, I had an enduringly long crush on a girl, it took so long to overcome, and learn from my mistakes.